March 17 - March 24 #2

the summary:

"The pool of shared meaning is the birthplace of synergy."

Each of us has our own feelings, theories and experiences as we enter into conversations. This book calls the combination of all of this our 'personal pool of meaning.'

When two or more people come together, they don't share the same pool naturally. People skilled in dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool. They do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way to the open. (for good reason).

When this pool of shared meaning grows, two benefits develop. 1) as more accurate and relevant information is presented, people make better choices, 2) and people are more committed to what is happening.

When the pool is shared well, people are more willing to take part in whatever decisions are made, and they are more committed to act! When the pool isn't shared, the people involved are rarely committed to the final decision. If you feel like your ideas aren't heard or even valued, you will sink away and end up 'quietly criticizing and passively resisting.'

"He that complies against his will is of his own opinion still."

It is important that we learn the art of having good dialogue. We need to focus on ourselves. Often, when things go wrong in a conversation, we revert back to our default settings (what we observed growing up, etc). This is not always the best thing!

Interesting example: A lady is in a meeting with her employees. Someone brings up a touchy and even hurtful thing to her (though there is truth in it). How she responds will have a huge impact on how her employees are going to see her. She can get offended, defend herself and close the conversation (thus showing her employees that its her way or the highway...thus they will feel less a part of what is going on and be less motivated and the company will suffer), or she can talk about it in a good way, and open up dialogue (thus helping the employees feel empowered and bind their hearts to the company).

When asked about how she did what she did, she replied: "It was easy. At first I did feel attacked, and I wanted to strike back. TO be honest, I wanted to put that guy in his place. He was accusing me in public and he was wrong."

"And then it struck me," she continued. "Despite the fact that I had four hundred eyeballs pinned on me, a rather important question hit me like a ton of bricks: 'What do I REALLY want here?'"

When we're in situations when we feel threatened, or adrenaline sets in. Often times, the conversation (or argument at this point) changes from trying to accomplish something, to winning the conversation and being right!

We need to be able to recognize this in ourselves when this is happening.

quotes:

"Every time we find ourselves arguing, debating, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it's because we don't know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue, we play silly and costly games."....silent treatment or cold shoulder
When we're in crucial conversations in pairs or in groups, we need to have a pool of shared meaning.


application:

I have been thinking about his book and the things that I wrote about in my last posting. I realize that a lot of it is true! When you care about something, and you're talking to someone about it and they disagree with you (or you realize you are not going to have your way), adrenaline really does set in!

I think I'm in the first step of the application of all of this: I'm realizing that its real and its important. Being able to communicate with people (especially about hard, important things) is very important!

I have a TON of work to do. I'm excited to continue to read this book and apply the principles!

March 8 - March 14, 2009, #1

the summary:

A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where 1) stakes are high, 2) opionions vary, 3) emotions run strong. There are certain conversations that we have with people which are VERY IMPORTANT. The results of these conversations can have a huge impact on the quality of your life.

(They can make or break job promotions, which can influence your daily work and income. They can influence your company to have great or little success, which will greatly impact your life. They can hurt or build your relationship with your spouse or other family members, which can create emotional scars or long-lasting bonds. They can affect your relationship with your neighbors who you come into contact with periodically. They can impact many aspects of your life!)

Often, we see that we need to do something, and that a crucial conversation is going to be necessary, but we avoid it. When we do this, we are missing out on needed changes that could take place in our lives which could make it better. For some reason, when we are in crucial conversations, we are at our worst behavior!

(p.4) "...These are the moments when, for whatever reason, we either anticipate a crucial conversation or are in the middle of one and we're at our absolute worst- we yell; we withdraw; we say things we later regret. When conversations matter the most- that is, when conversations move from casual to crucial- we're generally on our worst behavior."

A big reason why this is often true, is in the way that we are designed. In hard, tense situations, our bodies revert to the natural FIGHT OR FLIGHT. "Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness."

Ex: When someone says something you disagree about (especially if its personal), the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and your adrenaline kicks in. (The book describes it great on the bottom of page 4).

good quotes:

(page 9) "..the effects of conversations gone bad can be both devastating and far reaching. Our research hasshown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power- the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics."

(page 12) regarding relationships: "In truth, everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It's how you argue that matters."

Marriage argument options:

1) those who digress into threats and name-calling

2) those who revert to silent fuming

3) those who speak openly, honestly and effectively

(those who aren't #3 usually split up!)

(page 13) "Do you hold in ugly opinions only to have them tumble out as sarcastic remarks or cheap shots?"

application:

I am excited to learn what this book has to offer me. I hate getting into "heated conversations" (arguments). If I have to have a crucial conversation with someone (when we have different opinions, when the stakes are high, or when emotions run strong), I want them to go as well as possible. I want to have as much peace, love and good communication in my life as possible. I want to always treat my loved ones with the respect and love that I have for them. I don't want my emotions to get in the way and lead me to do something that I will regret.

Introduction

Why I'm reading this book:

I hadn't even heard about this book until a couple of weeks ago, when I went to the Provo library to check it out with Sarin. It is a required read for one of her MPA classes at BYU. After reading the first chapter with her, I was hooked. I immediately went to Amazon and got a copy for myself (I can't stand reading books that aren't my own. With my study style, I need to highlight things and take notes....reading a book that isn't mine, without a pencil in my hand for notes, drives me crazy!).

I've read a lot of success and communication books, and I can say that this book is different. Its subject is very relevant in life, and I have never seen anything about it in any other book.

I'm really excited to see what I can learn and apply from this book!