the summary:
"The pool of shared meaning is the birthplace of synergy."
Each of us has our own feelings, theories and experiences as we enter into conversations. This book calls the combination of all of this our 'personal pool of meaning.'
When two or more people come together, they don't share the same pool naturally. People skilled in dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool. They do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way to the open. (for good reason).
When this pool of shared meaning grows, two benefits develop. 1) as more accurate and relevant information is presented, people make better choices, 2) and people are more committed to what is happening.
When the pool is shared well, people are more willing to take part in whatever decisions are made, and they are more committed to act! When the pool isn't shared, the people involved are rarely committed to the final decision. If you feel like your ideas aren't heard or even valued, you will sink away and end up 'quietly criticizing and passively resisting.'
"He that complies against his will is of his own opinion still."
It is important that we learn the art of having good dialogue. We need to focus on ourselves. Often, when things go wrong in a conversation, we revert back to our default settings (what we observed growing up, etc). This is not always the best thing!
Interesting example: A lady is in a meeting with her employees. Someone brings up a touchy and even hurtful thing to her (though there is truth in it). How she responds will have a huge impact on how her employees are going to see her. She can get offended, defend herself and close the conversation (thus showing her employees that its her way or the highway...thus they will feel less a part of what is going on and be less motivated and the company will suffer), or she can talk about it in a good way, and open up dialogue (thus helping the employees feel empowered and bind their hearts to the company).
When asked about how she did what she did, she replied: "It was easy. At first I did feel attacked, and I wanted to strike back. TO be honest, I wanted to put that guy in his place. He was accusing me in public and he was wrong."
"And then it struck me," she continued. "Despite the fact that I had four hundred eyeballs pinned on me, a rather important question hit me like a ton of bricks: 'What do I REALLY want here?'"
When we're in situations when we feel threatened, or adrenaline sets in. Often times, the conversation (or argument at this point) changes from trying to accomplish something, to winning the conversation and being right!
We need to be able to recognize this in ourselves when this is happening.
quotes:
"Every time we find ourselves arguing, debating, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it's because we don't know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue, we play silly and costly games."....silent treatment or cold shoulder
When we're in crucial conversations in pairs or in groups, we need to have a pool of shared meaning.
application:
I have been thinking about his book and the things that I wrote about in my last posting. I realize that a lot of it is true! When you care about something, and you're talking to someone about it and they disagree with you (or you realize you are not going to have your way), adrenaline really does set in!
I think I'm in the first step of the application of all of this: I'm realizing that its real and its important. Being able to communicate with people (especially about hard, important things) is very important!
I have a TON of work to do. I'm excited to continue to read this book and apply the principles!
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