March 8 - March 14, 2009, #1

the summary:

A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where 1) stakes are high, 2) opionions vary, 3) emotions run strong. There are certain conversations that we have with people which are VERY IMPORTANT. The results of these conversations can have a huge impact on the quality of your life.

(They can make or break job promotions, which can influence your daily work and income. They can influence your company to have great or little success, which will greatly impact your life. They can hurt or build your relationship with your spouse or other family members, which can create emotional scars or long-lasting bonds. They can affect your relationship with your neighbors who you come into contact with periodically. They can impact many aspects of your life!)

Often, we see that we need to do something, and that a crucial conversation is going to be necessary, but we avoid it. When we do this, we are missing out on needed changes that could take place in our lives which could make it better. For some reason, when we are in crucial conversations, we are at our worst behavior!

(p.4) "...These are the moments when, for whatever reason, we either anticipate a crucial conversation or are in the middle of one and we're at our absolute worst- we yell; we withdraw; we say things we later regret. When conversations matter the most- that is, when conversations move from casual to crucial- we're generally on our worst behavior."

A big reason why this is often true, is in the way that we are designed. In hard, tense situations, our bodies revert to the natural FIGHT OR FLIGHT. "Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness."

Ex: When someone says something you disagree about (especially if its personal), the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and your adrenaline kicks in. (The book describes it great on the bottom of page 4).

good quotes:

(page 9) "..the effects of conversations gone bad can be both devastating and far reaching. Our research hasshown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power- the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics."

(page 12) regarding relationships: "In truth, everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It's how you argue that matters."

Marriage argument options:

1) those who digress into threats and name-calling

2) those who revert to silent fuming

3) those who speak openly, honestly and effectively

(those who aren't #3 usually split up!)

(page 13) "Do you hold in ugly opinions only to have them tumble out as sarcastic remarks or cheap shots?"

application:

I am excited to learn what this book has to offer me. I hate getting into "heated conversations" (arguments). If I have to have a crucial conversation with someone (when we have different opinions, when the stakes are high, or when emotions run strong), I want them to go as well as possible. I want to have as much peace, love and good communication in my life as possible. I want to always treat my loved ones with the respect and love that I have for them. I don't want my emotions to get in the way and lead me to do something that I will regret.